NEWS FROM

WEST EBENEZER

 

By - Roger Jewell

Citizens of West Ebenezer, South Carolina were wanting to pull away from having Travelers Rest zip codes recently.  However the postal service is not going to allow that change due to the fact that they can't seem to find West Ebenezer on any map of the United States.  Besides, the postal service was too busy trying to deliver 1963 - 2021 Christmas cards and coming up with reasons to boost postage for 2023.

 

Runt Thomas reported he was watching the Weather Channel yesterday when he noticed the time here was 5 pm and the mountain time was showing 3 pm.  Runt raised the question, if it is 5 pm here and 3 pm mountain time, does that mean it is 3 pm on our Paris Mountain and Tubbs Mountain and 5 pm in Travelers Rest.  He relayed the question with the West Ebenezer Improvement Committee which prompted requests for the establishment of a West Ebenezer time zone which would run from Alvin Gordon's Barber Shop to Tugaloo Road.  Even though that distance spans every bit of three tenths of a mile, the motion was passed by a 5-1 vote.  Billy Ulysses Harper was the lone opposing vote on account of the lack of wristwatch ownership.  Flyers were posted notifying motorists on Geer Highway to turn their clocks and watches back one hour when entering the new time zone and setting them ahead when exiting.  Fears grew in Marietta that West Ebenezer was on the verge of annexing Marietta.  The Marietta Future Assailants Committee visited the West Ebenezer Improvement Committee and the time zone idea was quickly abolished after a quickly called executive session.  Billy Ulysses Harper again cast the lone opposing vote because he had just ordered a new wristwatch imported from Tigerville.

 

West Ebenezer's Public Safety Director informed the West Ebenezer Improvement Committee that he discovered two men attempting to sell meth within the three tenths of a mile West Ebenezer community limits.  When asked how he handled the situation the public safety director stated, "I turned around and walked away 'cause their price was too danged high."  Next week the Ebenezer Improvement Committee will accept applications for Public Safety Director.

 

This year's West Ebenezer Cat Festival has been cancelled due to last year's unfortunate incidents in the five legged cat race and the cat bath contests.

 

Next month's agenda for the West Ebenezer Improvement Committee meeting includes a discussion led by Runt Thomas on the reasons why coyotes should never be used to guard chicken houses.......it should be a good meeting as Runt says his discussion is based on his own personal experiences.  

 

There was a big ruckus at the school house on Monday when  janitors discovered a 97 year old man hiding behind the bleachers in the gymnasium.  Upon being discovered the man jumped up and down while yelling, "I won.  I won."  When asked what the old man won he said, "The world's hide and seek championship."  He said he had been hiding in the gymnasium since the third grade. He also said he first thought about hiding in the home endzone of the football field because nobody ever goes there but changed his mind during a hail storm and a blue jay invasion.  An emergency school board meeting was held and school trustees agreed the man would have to make up all school work he had missed while hiding.  The man said, "It ain't my fault, if yawl had cleaned up the gym more often you would have found me years ago."  School Superintendent A.R Webesmartorwhat said, "On second thought we shouldn't punish him."  A special parade will be held in West Ebenezer at a later date.

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That's the news from West Ebenezer where potholes are plenty, the women are strong, the men are handsome and the children have runny noses and the game of hide and seek is now illegal.

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